apropos of anything

The night before Eid, I wrote briefly about this year’s hajjis and my envy that I was not among them, and I promised to explain further the next morning when I was not so tired. Three mornings have come and gone, and still I have not explained, and even now I am not going to, not fully, because envy, while in small doses has its place, is overall a waste of time and emotion.

Thank you Baraka and Yasmine, for reminding me.

I have been so caught up in work and weddings that I never found the hajji frame of mind. After all, I don’t have to be in Mecca or Medina to have conversations with God. I may feel closer to Him there, but He is here, too. The only difference is that there, I have no distractions, nothing else to do but talk to Him, whereas here… here, it seems I only stop moving long enough for the five cursory greetings He requests from me.

I do miss being a hajji. I miss the feel of being there, the overwhelming serenity of walking back to the hotel after fajr, the inimitable bond of sleeping under the stars of Muzdalifah, the intense emotion in Arafat. I miss all of it. But missing that shouldn’t mean that I also let slip by all the opportunities I have here to worship and pray in the comfort of my own home, surrounded by all the blessings God has chosen to bestow on me.

I wish that I could write my prayer here like Yasmine and Baraka do on their blogs, but that would require a level of self-expression that I have not yet reached. I see much in their prayers that I would ask for myself, and since quoting them is not self-expression so much as shameless stealing… but no, I can’t steal a prayer.

In my own prayer, I would ask Him to keep my brothers happy always, happy in their marriages, strong in their deen, healthy, and successful. I would ask Him to help me be a good sister, and a good sister-in-law to my bhabhis so that there will never be a day they would need to call a friend to vent about me. I would ask Him to keep my parents healthy, independent, and content in their lives. I would ask Him to ease the burdens of those who are suffering: the people on the other side of the planet as well as the people on the other side of the city. I would ask Him to take special care of the Youssifs of the world, and their mothers too. I would ask Him for rain but not flooding. I would ask for His blessings for my lovely and amazing friends, the people who serve as my surrogate family. I would ask Him to give us the wisdom to care for the planet He put in our care and the strength to always stand determinedly for that which is right. And I would ask Him to forgive us all for the slights we have given, the mistakes we have made, and the hurts we have caused.

As for what I would ask specifically for myself, that I can’t share, not yet.

Ameen.