A series of letters to the world in general
Dear women who use office bathrooms,
Flushing is your friend, as are trash receptacles. We’ve had this conversation already, so I know you know what I’m talking about. Eww. Seriously. Do you do this at home? I didn’t think so, which begs the question — why do you do it here? Do you realize how absolutely disgusting it is for the person who walks into the stall next?
Stop it. Now. This is no longer a request.
Thank you,
All the women on the floor, and the janitorial staff to boot
Dear people who park in two spaces,
If you’re so worried about your “baby” being dinged, you may want to consider leaving it in your garage and taking public transportation. Otherwise, you can suck it up and park in your allotted space. I hear sometimes parking waaaay in the back where nobody else wants to go works too. But every time I see you straddling the spaces, I have to fight down an urge to whip out my keys and leave a nice message on your car.
Much appreciated,
Drivers everywhere
Dear parents who took your kids to Revenge of the Sith this weekend,
Which part of the abundant the pre-release press, particularly the ones that highlighted the darkness pervading this film, made you think it’d be okay to take your tots to see it in the theaters? You’re old enough to have some familiarity with the original Star Wars flicks. You know Vader and the Emporer killed all the Jedi. Did you think that would happen off-screen?
Even if your precious moppet insists, sometimes as a parent you have to channel Nancy Reagan and just say no. Unless, of course, you have no problem with them seeing Anakin Skywalker slaughtering children just like them.
Seriously, did you think about this?
Concerned moviegoers
Dear people who are always “too busy”,
Let me go a little country on you: You ain’t that busy.
You’re not too busy to find out what’s going on in the world or whether it’s going to rain today. You’re not too busy to return phone calls, send RSVPs, or keep your engagements. That’s not being busy. That’s being rude.
The people in your life deserve more from you, and it’s about time you grew up and realized what it means to be an adult.
Sincerely yours,
The entire world