apropos of anything

There is a common theme in L.M. Montgomery books that three o’clock in the morning is the worst hour of the day because that is when all your fears are laid bare and you must face them. Of course she didn’t mean exactly three o’clock so much as some time late at night when you haven’t anything else going through your head, so you think about everything you’d rather not think about.

I am experiencing a sudden bout of horrified realization that I am in way over my head and can’t possibly do the things I’m considering; that if I’m flubbing up the initial processes so profoundly, I must be crackers for thinking I can proceed with the rest; that everyone involved is merely humoring me, the Absurd Young Thing who thinks she can sit at the big kids’ table.

I am determined not to be scared. Said determination does not exactly prevent me from being scared, though, and at this moment I am ready to give it all up because I am thoroughly terrified.

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